Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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