That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
