I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
