don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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