If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
