I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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