I could make wine with my vomit
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
