the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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