im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
