They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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