Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
