the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
