I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
