He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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