if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
