Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
