I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
