Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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