A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
