a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
