Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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