I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
