I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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