I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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