You just made me feel so damn special
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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