Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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