Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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