If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
