So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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