The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
