I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
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