Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
