Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
