I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
