I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
