....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
