Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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