I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
