you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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