woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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