He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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