"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
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