Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
