Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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