I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
