Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
