well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
This baby is an asshole
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
