What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
