i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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