I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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