alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
